An Unimaginative Title OF DOOM!
by always-my-raggedy-doctor
Summary: What summit entertainment didn't want you to know... what really happened in New Moon.
1. New Moo

**_An Unimaginative Title... OF DOOM!  
_**

Chapter 1: New Moo (that's MOO not MOON!)

Time: Twilight- New Moon.

Disclaimer: Don't own Twilight or any other crap that appears in this story!

**Hey! This is the story from two extremely bored teenage girls... and Mr. PandaMan.  
**

**So yeah... ENJOY!  
**

**

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**

_Bella's P.O.V_

I was fifty percent sure I was dreaming.

I was fifty percent sure I wasn't dreaming.

Which makes the latter equal to the hypotenuse of a triangle.

I figured this because I could see my grandmama... and she moved to South Dakota, so I ain't seen her for awhile!

"HEY GRANDMA, WHAT CHO DOIN' ALL THE WAY OVER THERE?" I yelled. Grandma just smiled at me, I don't think grandma took her medicine today.

A bright light caught my eye and I turned to see Edward, and his sparkly, perfectly symmetrical nipples.

"HEY GRANDMA, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY SPARKLY BOYFRIEND, HEY EDGAR GET OUT HERE," I shouted.

"It's Edward!" the E man protested.

"HE'S A EUNUCH!" I once again shouted to my grandma. Suddenly, Edward grabbed my butt.

"Son, get your hands off me ass before I go down on you like Snoop Dog."

"Are you dandy like a dandelion?" he replied

"What's a dandelion?" I asked

"A dandelion is a flower. The flower head is surrounded by bracts (sometimes mistakenly called sepals) in two series. The inner bracts are erect until the seeds mature, then flex downward to allow the seeds to disperse; the outer bracts are always reflexed downward. Some species drop the "parachute" from the achenes; the hair-like parachutes are called pappus, and they are modified sepals. Between the pappus and the achene, there is a stalk called a beak, which elongates as the fruit matures. The beak breaks off from the achene quite easily, separating the seed from the parachute."

There was a long silence and then...

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"What?"

"You said penis."

"WHAT! No I didn't! Bella were you even paying attetion?"

I looked around hopelessly, trying to find an answer. Unfortuneatly all I found was an umbrella and a flying penguin.

"Umbrenguin!"

"What?"

"Commonly known as the date rate drug..." I muttered. "ANYWAY!"

I ran up to Grandma and waved like my arm was on fire.

"BYE GRANDMA!"

Wait a second.

Was Grandma waving back? She never waved back...

"Grandma?"

That was when I noticed the frame around her. SHE WAS TRAPPED IN A MIRROR!

...Oh...wait...

I looked at my hand. It was all wrinkly. I reached up to touch my face. I could feel my drooping skin.

I was looking at myself.

Edward came up next to me and put his arms around my waist.

"Edward! Look! I think this mirror is possessed! When I move, it moves!"

"Happy Birthday Bella," Edward said as he kissed my wrinkly phalanges.

"Ewwwwwwwwwww, old," I said as I stepped away.

I suddenly shot up in my bed.

"I KNOW WHERE TO FIND GRANDMA!"

I ran to the mirror located in my bathroom.

"HI GRAND-"

It was my usual refection.

"CURSE YOU MIRROR!"

* * *

**Hey, so I hope you enjoyed that!**

**This was written by JinxLuvsL && xTingax.X5-656. (Natalie && Poppy/Paige)  
**

**Chapter 2 is in progress.**

**Lots of Love**

**Love**

**Natalie Xx.**

**... and Poppy!  
**

n


	2. DIY Tot

**_An Unimaginative Title... OF DOOM!  
_**

Chapter 2: DIY Tot

Time: Twilight- New Moon.

Disclaimer: Don't own Twilight or any other crap that appears in this story!

**Hey! This is the story from two extremely bored teenage girls... and Mr. PandaMan.  
**

**So yeah... ENJOY!  
**

**

* * *

**

_Bella's P.O.V_

"Dad, dad! Come in, quick, and see what I've done! You're gonna love it!" I shouted as I jumped up and down on my bed. There was nappy cream on my face and all over the wall.

Charlie rushed in, and his eyes widened.

"What have you done?" Charlie asked in a stern voice.

"Look, I painted the wall," I replied, with a huge grin on my face.

"Look at all the mess!" Charlie shouted.

"Mess? It's not a mess, it's art!" I replied.

"What is that? Is that nappy cream?"

"Nappy cream? Maybe. Why, is that bad?"

"Is that nappy cream all over the wall?"

"Yeah, but... I mean... look at this gloss finish, you don't have to paint this wall again for yonks!"

"Naughty girl!"

"Naughty girl? I guess that means you don't want me to do your room next." I replied, "Edward would appreciate my art," I muttered, then I ran into the forest for no reason, thinking Edward would be there.

When I realised that the firefairies had probably eaten him for brinner, I went to skool. I am in the highest engrish class.

When I got to class, the green kid was poking meat with his fork.

I took my seat, then realised I left my pencil under my cow that was parked in the car park.

So I quickly devised a BRILLIANT plan, which involved me breaking the pencil that was shoved up my behind, along with an enviromental policy, and shoving one half up my nose.

"Mr Varner," I said as I raised my hand, interuppting whatever bullshit he was talking about, "I have a pencil logged in my brain, may I please go to the nurses office?"

"How far?" Mr Varner asked.

"Pretty far..." I replied.

Once I had my pencil I quickly went back to class.

Mr Varner called me up to present my English Oral. I giggled... he he, Oral.

"My fellow Australian's-" I started.

"But we're American!" some winged ass monkey shouted from the back of the class.

"I know what it's called!" I replied, "now, as I was saying, as you know, my relationship with president George W. Bush has reached levels of brown nosing, unimaginable, even by the sicker fancies set by my pre-accesors. To put it simply, if president Bush and I were incarcerated together, there is no doubt, I would be his bitch. Unlike me, however, president Bush cannot continue in office forever-"

"But you're not even in office!"

"SHUT UP! Indeed, in just 18 months time, a new American president will have stolen the next election. That is why I have decided to start blowing the next commander in chief as soon as possible," I continued as I pulled out a piece of paper. "Here we go, senator Hilary Clinton is a beautiful, intelligent, warm hearted woman, and only a retarded, hill billy, idiot, corn dog would ever consider cheating on her. I also love senator John Carey, former vice president Al Gore, and I wouldn't rule out giving a little hand relief to Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger... oh, I also worship Dick Chaney, sure he starts everyday with triple bypass surgery and he's shot a fare few people but you never know. In closing, can I just assure the next American president the great words that have always characterised the relationship between our two nations, me love you long time! Good evening."

"Thankyou very much for that lovely speech on my grading giraffes." Mr Varner told me, as I once again took my seat.

"But she didn't-" one of the students started.

"Shut it you little shits!" Mr Varner replied.

The day flashed by, and I was soon on my way to Biology.

"Greetings, my future subjects," I said when everyone was seated. "I'm proud to unveil the labour parties one hundred percent carbon neutral energy policy. Australia already has one unique advantage compared with all other countries trying to cope with global warming. As you know, the sun shines out of my ass. So by using a complex system of mirrors, I will harness the light rays streaming out of my back side, to provide a never ending alternative source, of solar power. Obviously, for this system to work, I will have to get the Canberra press gallery to stop licking my ass first. But I think they will agree to a temporary lick stoppage, for the good of the nation. Well, that's it for now, and remember how chin chu mow su chow a ken bo, how true that is. Oh well, here's a free preview." I then turned around and pulled my pants down to reveal the light shining out of my ass.

"FOR THE LAST TIME, THIS IS AMERICA!" someone shouted.

* * *

**Hey, so I hope you enjoyed that!**

**This was written by JinxLuvsL && xTingax.X5-656. (Natalie && Poppy/Paige)  
**

**Chapter 3 is in progress.**

**Lots of Love**

**Love**

**Natalie Xx.**

**... and Poppy!**


	3. I Can Change

**_An Unimaginative Title... OF DOOM!  
_**

Chapter 3: I Can Change

Time: Twilight- New Moon.

Disclaimer: Don't own Twilight or any other crap that appears in this story!

**Hey! This is the story from two extremely bored teenage girls... and Mr. PandaMan.  
**

**So yeah... ENJOY!  
**

**

* * *

**

_Bella's P.O.V_

After my birthday party that Alice had made me go to, and Jasper tried to eat me after seasoning me with pepper, I was walking threw the forest with Edward.

"Bella, I'm leaving you!" Edward told me.

"WHAT?" I shouted.

"I'm leaving you..." Edward repeated.

"Well, I would like to take this opportunity to say that I can change! You want me to put the IRS laws back the way they were, I'll do it." I told him, "just say the word, I didn't even like the changes to begin with, it was all Peter Castello's idea. You want him dead? I know people! You want me to pull aussie troops out of Iraq, one phone call, their on the next plane home. You want me to sign the Keoto agrrement? Hey, it's just a fucking piece of paper. I'll even use my super breath to re-freeze the polar ice-caps, I can do that, it's just one of those special powers a prime-minister gets if he wins five elections in a row!"

"Bella, first of all you're not the prime-minister. Second, we're not in Austarlia-" Edward started but I ignored him.

"You want to see me give myself a weggie?" I asked, "sure, I can do that, I'll just-" I started to give myself a weggie, but Edward started to walk away. "No, no, don't go, I'll do anything!"

"That was an anouncement from the prime-minister." an unknown voice said.

"Shut up, voice over guy, I'm buying more advertising time! Oh, no, you hate that, I mean I'm not buying more advertising time! I'll do anything you want! You want me to piss off?" I ranted, then I quickly ran away. "TOLD YOU!" I screamed over my shoulder.

When I arrived at my house I realised that I had forgotten my key, so I pressed on a button that happened to be on the door.

"Uh, yeah, goodaye Charlie, buzz us in will you mate, I lost me key!" I said, then the door opened, "Thanks mate!" as I went to step inside it, it quickly shut. "Oh no, I missed the door."

I pressed the button once again, "Uh, Charlie, it's me again, yeah, okay, hold the button down a bit longer will you, this time buddy, yeah, that's the way," I said, then the door opened once again. "Oh, I'll have to get a new key cut."

Once I got inside, Charlie was sitting on a donkey, reading the newspaper.

The phone rang, so I walked over to it, and answered it.

"Hello?" I said.

**"Well, hello my fellow west asian,"** someone said. **"My name is Zanzief, and I'm calling from America telecomp, to make sure you and your American family are happy with our service."**

"I'm sorry, what did you say your name was?" I asked.

**"Zanzief..."** the man replied, **"from America..."**

"And where in America are you calling from, Zanzief?"

**"Uh, I'm calling from Forks. Where are you at?"**

"I'm in Washington."

**"Wow, me mama's from Washinton, I visit her every christmas, I love the joint."**

"Their the same place."

**"Say what?"**

"Washington is a state, Forks is in Washington!"

**"Oh, yeah, I was just having you on... you know a little humor between my fellow American citicens."**

"What is your surname, Zanzief?"

**"Um, it's, um, Moo... naa, ga-ga-gangolee. Zanzief Gangolee."**

"Like the cricketer?"

**"Yeah, that's it, that's a good one."**

"What is your religion?"

**"Um... Buddist, no... Hindu, I meant Hindu."** the man started to cough, **"sorry, I've got a bit of papidam caught in me throat. I went abit crazy with the beef curry at lunch."**

"Hindu's don't eat beef!"

**"Thankyou for choosing American-" **the man started but I hung up.

"Who was that?" Charlie asked.

"Another one of those Australian fuckwits!" I replied.

I walked up to my room to go to bed. I fell asleep quickly.

* * *

**Hey, so I hope you enjoyed that!**

**This was written by JinxLuvsL && xTingax.X5-656. (Natalie && Poppy/Paige)  
**

**Chapter 4 is in progress.**

**Lots of Love**

**Love**

**Natalie Xx.**

**... and Poppy!**


End file.
